Words of Autobiographic Intent

My friends,

I have decided to sever myself from livejournal. This really is not my element. I belong with pens and notebooks. Worry not. Livejournal shouldn't be my form of communication... and well, sometimes it has brought me more misery than it should. Maybe one day I'll start it up again, but I think that I will stick to late night conversations, handwritten letters, phone calls, and funny faces across the classroom.

Kaitee

I'm ok. I swear it. I'm alive. I swear.

EDIT: I fixed the links. Thanks for telling me Emily. :)


(Pretty as a Painting)

(Dying for You)

(Thoughts Outside a Doorway)

from: Under the Influence of Chapstick and Tea

*jumpy jumpy jumpy for secret secret reasons* well, not really secret, I just don't feel like saying. I had an epiphany last night, talking to Kat. If you'd like to know, ask me nicely and offer me roses and maybe i'll tell. ;)

I can say with full conviction that I am NOT jumpy about my bestest friend being back in Syracuse... a whole hours away from me. Not cool Steph. Not. cool.

Oberlin Application is DONE! Yay! I need to do the Wooster supp tomorrow and send that in and then all will be well until I start thinking about Goucher. Agh.

Free Trade Essay. Quilt. Vest. I'm sticking to sewing from now on. NO more quilting after this is over. I haven't the patience for it. And I really need to make a crack at my basket of books, not to mention this triangulation project. Anyways, I think I'm going to shower and then update my writing journal... so look for that if you want to see some exciting exciting stuff. Not really. But we'll pretend.

Oh, and would you (you being those of you who read this electronic thing) like to see the short story I wrote for IP. It's not going to reach the caliber of Emily's by any stretch of the imagination, but if you'd like to see, I'll show.















Up here I am who I am. if you don't like it, the fuck you man. I'm not a thief and a whore.

Oh thank goodness. I just spent the last 15 minutes scouring the internet for a CD I need to survive. *sigh* They took it down off itunes... and i FLIPPED OUT! oh thank goodness i found it. *huggles*

one day i promise that i won't be able to stand breaking anymore.

one day i promise my throat won't hurt because i haven't let myself scream.

one day i promise my eyes won't be bloodshot with tears.

one day i promise that my faith will be strong enough that i dont even go to this dark place.

one day i promise... i promise that i won't want someone to fall in love with me.

one day i promise you will see i was right when i told you i would be alone.




its on days like this that i miss john terribly.

So it's 2:19 Tuesday mornign and I've been asleep since like... 6:30 about I think. And now I'm doing my homework. But at 2:19 it's no easier to focus on what I need to be doing that in was at 6:30.

*screams silently*

I want to feel better. I want this wweight to be lifted. And only one person can do that... or I just have to drop it. I can't do that. I tried. I can't. Meh, there are so many things I can't do.

I want tea.

If my life was a movie, these would be the three songs you would hear over and over. There's a fourth, but I'm keeping her a secret.



HOW TO SAVE A LIFE by THE FRAY

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

---

I WON'T SAY I'M IN LOVE from HERCULES

Meg:If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Muses: Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

Meg: No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

Muses: You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

Meg: It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out - Oh!

Muses: You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

Meg: No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no

Muses: Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love

Meg: This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love

Muses: You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love

Meg: You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it

Muses: Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love

Meg: At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

---

I'M NOT THAT GIRL from WICKED

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

Tomorrow may suck. Tomorrow may be great. I want it to be great. I don't want to come home crying. Agh. Everything's going to be ok. Everything's going to be ok. Everything's going to be ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok.

I just need to shut off my brain if I'm going to sleep tonight. Maybe I'll give my mind over to Peter. He can keep my secrets safe in Neverland tonight.

The Lord is my Shephard. I shall not want.

I just have to be brave, right? Be brave and everything will be ok.

I think it's wonderful the way you talk about girls, Peter. John doesn't like us that much.

Maybe if I smile enough, the day will pass by and I can remain unoticed. I am a bear of very little brains.

And you are the mirror. Maybe one day we will meet again to build castles in the clouds.

I keep asking myself what else could go wrong. Nothing, right? The worst has happened. Oh, but my imagination begs to differ. Thigns could be worse... much worse.

I'm so petty! There are peopple out there dying for freedom or starving. Children finding food for their younger siblings. Oh goodness.... God, why am I so selfish? Here I am worrying about school and there are children all over the world - adults even - who would die to go to school. Help me. Help me.

Son, where'd you learn to pray like that? I've been watching you, Dad.













Look, I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying on intellect
And I find it hard to open up to what I don't know
Because reason says I should have died three years ago.

You plague my thoughts
And my dreams.
I can't sleep over you.
I used to smile.
I can't remember.
Give me back what you took
Even though I gave it willingly.